we’ll still be bound to bend the rules.
this post has taken its time. i have no need to complain of the new workloads, stresses, and rearrangings of priorities that have accumulated more than ever in barely three weeks. it is an incredible challenge, and on that note, an incredible opportunity. i can handle it.
but i am still terrified. i feel like indifference dances on the tongues of those i love so much, and though we all ‘understand’ the given nature of things, that feigned ‘don’t worry about it’ fucking kills me. it is bleeding into the foundation of my strongest relationships, and the new ones i’m most excited for seem to be expecting nothing much from someone so tied up in an unnecessary art. and that again, fucking kills me.
i love you all. you are my priority, my utmost priority. you are so indescribingly precious and intriguing and compassionate and understanding, and you don’t deserve to feel like i’ve slid you behind my architectural to do list.
you are not a task, and you are not something i am forgetting about. you aren’t some weekend schedule-filler, and though a relief, you are not meant to be a ‘break.’ you are not something i take for granted, and you sure as hell aren’t something i’m not interested in.
i hate typing this out, because the words aren’t strong enough to hold onto the emotions they try to uplift. i am sorry. i am so fucking sorry. i know it doesn’t matter much, and i know you don’t ‘care,’ but let’s cut the shit. we all do. i am going to do my damnedness to live out the reality that you are my priority. and though there might be some buildings in the way, i don’t want you to ever think you’re second to a fucking drawing. because you’re not.
you are not.
you are not.
i am sorry.
